Working Through Something…

If I decide to step back

to give you space to step forward

do I have to give you heads up?

I imagine you, noticing the distance

remain

steadfast in standing 

where I left you

arms open

beckoning me to come

back

What if I already told you

I was done chasing

done

being predictable

done showing my hand first

What if I told you

I needed you

to step up

to show up

I already moved hell

high waters

L.A. and ATL traffic

for you

For you to expect me 

to keep stepping up

being predictable

being there without being asked

showing up

Always happening to be there

when you need someone to see you

Not the names they lord over you

no

I’ve held your name

on my tongue and call you

when you need reminders of who 

you belong to

Always your champion

Always waiting for the ways

you would show up for me

And I told you

tears in my eyes

I said the words I waited years to say

To say, this had been a long time coming

That this was my last stand

A quick drying cement

I’m still standing here

waiting for you to love me

like you say you do

What is it to miss someone

with no action behind their words?

What is it to make declarations

through text

but not tap that green button 

to call?

To inquire?

To put voice to ear?

To care?

What is care when it’s invisible?

How do you see it?

Your life

Your family

Your jobs

Your other besties

How do you see my singleness?

I can do it

cause I don’t have

your jobs

your family

your life?

Is my life somehow less?

Do you even think of me at all?

As I ruminate about you 

and us

and spend hours in therapy 

because I need to be a good friend

and this standing here alone hurts

Do you even care that I created distance?

Do you care to imagine why?

I never wanted a me from you

Only to be considered

because I’m me

and not because i’m me 

to you

It’s been quite lonely waiting on you

to notice me 

Beaches

He emerged from the waters

walking a cruiser to drier land

Dipped mud from spokes

Clean

How did he get there?

Did the tide rise up before him?

Catch him by surprise?

Did the firm ground suddenly become quicksand under his weight?

Catch him?

I see it inching closer

A faded line

An ombré of hues

Slick with new wetness

Mirroring a grey sky

Nothing is blue

Marbled ripples

White

Veined

Turning over into itself

Distant again

He rides through it

Floaters fall like rain

We breathe in unison

I hear an ocean behind me

Feel the sun through the haze

See its rays reflected against the veil

Mirroring a shore

Nothing is blue

Tasting salt and ash

A soft sweet scent

Dogs circle me like wolves

The cards are calling

I wait for a gypsy to pass

She wades fully clothed

knee deep into the sea

I know the energy will pull her back

So I wait for her to become blurred

My vision is too good

And she still

Too clear

Too formed

Stopping every few feet

I think it’s safe now

They say to me

Lay bare

On this here sand

Lay them

Let them conjure

Let them call up

The words

Write them

Read them

The poems

Near water

Let them float up to the

To your

The

Your

Surface

Suffer not

The aching cracking breaking

of waves

Let them come

Sloshing

Soggy

Spraying

Misting

Effervescent

Leaving hints

Of salt

And ash

And memory

Of smoke

And beaches

And lovers

Called home

I’m New Here

Before covid came and pushed our creative muster into confusion and isolation, I wrote somewhat regularly on my now defunct blog, Black is a primary color. I enjoyed musing about art, artists, and doing the work. about the challenges I have doing the work. funny after nearly 6 years I find myself here again, musing about art and artists and doing the work. that’s all there is to see here. me doing the work. stretching a muscle. warming up my voice. sharing what inspires.

I can’t promise I’ll often have new thoughts to share but when I do, they’ll be here.

A song for the moment